Admiral Ackbar's Guide to Holiday Wine+Food

The holidays are here and wouldn't you know it, it's time to start planning meals for family and friends. Whether you're hoovering up giblets of Quor'sav-fried Steak with Jar Jar Binks on Otoh Gunga or hosting a holiday dinner for members of the Galatic Senate you won't look like Bantha Fodder with this handy guide to meals.

The key to a magical evening of plotting a rebellion over drinks is finding markets that sell locally sourced food. The Ewoks don't have a problem finding food because they're foragers by nature, they just go out in the forest and find things to eat or trip balls on. But if you've ever noticed, there aren't a lot of food markets around in the star system. You don't see them on the Death Star and you don't see them on Tatooine. You think they have food courts on these Federation ships? Hell no! They serve us the same stuff every day that looks like Wookie turds.

When I'm not leading the Rebellion you can find me at home making bite sized Admiral Ackbar's snack bars. They make a great finger food to serve as guests are coming out of hyperdrive and docking at your ship. I like to serve them with Rylothian Yurp so you won't get too filled up but will enjoy spice on spice action.

 

If I found myself in the Chommell sector on Naboo and I wanted to impress a certain Padmé Amidala I might try one of the following pairings. But keep in mind I look like a giant gold fish and Padmé is a total hottie so there's not much of a chance of this happening. Either way, these will be some good dishes to try during the holidays:

 

Gamorrean Pork and Somnaskol Red -

On Earth the humans go crazy for pork, but here on the Rebel Alliance ships it's a delicacy we occasionally get to enjoy when we're near the planet of Gamorr. Gamorrean swine chops with a tigmary dry rub and snoruuk sauce will send your taste buds into hyperdrive, but if you pair it with the right drink, you have the opportunity to turn invisible. Somnaskol Red is just what it sound like—it smells like Rancor's blood and it's red. But don't let the color fool you because it starts off with an actual burst of flavor then melts oh so delicately over your palate with a refined black root finish.

It's a favorite beverage on Chancellor Palpatine's Spaceport but be careful because too much Somnaskol Red will make you shart big time.

 

Quor'sav-fried steak paired with Blossom Wine -

Quor'sav-fried steak was a dish native to Uaua, the homeworld of the Quor'sav species. The dish was made by frying nerf meat in pom seed batter. It was often served with eggs, such as those from a gartro. Dex's Diner in theCoCo District of Coruscant, offered Quor'sav-fried steak on its menu for 12.7 credits*.

You have to cook the Quor'sav-fried steak just right, otherwise you'll need a light saber to cut through it. Just give it a few pulses of heat and you're good. Blossom wine will bring out the notes of pom seed on the nose because of the distilled natural essences of various flower blossoms from the planet of Naboo. Normally you might think this wine would be too light to serve with but the intertwining of balance and structure along with natural acidity found in Naboo's colder climate give the perfect backbone to frame up the nuances of.....uh, what?

 

Yoda's Rootleaf Stew -

This recipe will feed 8 hungry Jedi. Sure, it looks like cosmic slop but it's got plenty of Funk for your furry friends. Like many stews, Yoda's Rootleaf Stew will warm the soul while filling the tummy with rich, hearty flavors. Serve as a 87th course or by itself with Gamorrean snack crackers for dipping. Now normally I'd suggest something with an extreme amount of acidity to cut through the spackle-like stew but instead you might just serve acid by itself.  Straight acid, no chaser. Why complain about the lack of natural acidity in wine when you can just drink actual acid?

When I say acid, I don't mean the kind you hallucinate on. Believe me space is freaky enough that you don't need to see more weird shit. I'm talking about the kind they serve on tap at the Mos Eisley Cantina. The clientele there is pretty rough around the edges, and if you're not careful someone will just cut your arm off with a light saber for no reason. Droids aren't allowed in the cantina for various reasons, including the fact they're hooked on acid like it's crack. Obi-Wan turned me onto the place when I was a tadpole and I've always had a hankerin' for this meal.

 

Braised Kaminoan and Double -Dip Outer Rim Rumdrops -

Remember those tall, thin elegant creatures that made the clone army? They're polite, they're soft spoken, and they're delicious! I know this might sound weird but slow cooked Kaminoans are one of the best things to eat in the galaxy. Count Dooku didn't erase their planet out fo the Jedi archives because he was making a clone army, he did it because he wanted to keep all those tasty critters for himself. That's like finding an island covered in truffles. Tell me you wouldn't erase an island covered in truffles off the map if you could.

The planet of Kamino is an isolated floating rock out in the middle of BFE. Because of the lack of sunlight, the inhabitants don't have a lot of fat on the bones, but meat they do carry is tender and succulent. Braise them in a juri juice for several days and enjoy!

You could pair a nice Chianti with this dish but I prefer to spice it up a bit and serve Double-Dip Outer Rim Rumdrops. In 31 BBY, the Rim Rumdrop had been exported to other planets of the system. It was available in the Cabana Bar of the Sanads of Rorkee hotel, in Genarius, where it was the drink of choice of hotel guest Dr. Shilaea Motacc. When Motacc was kidnapped, a stranger went to the Cabana Bar to buy all the available stock of Rim Rumdrops*. Make sense? If not, just open up the hatch and let it rip.

 

Stuffed Chyntuk, Coruscant Game Fowl and Rimble Wine -

The contrast in flavors of a pairing can be as interesting as the harmony of flavors. Creating contrast makes for good drama, and this pairing is about as dramatic as the clone war between the Galatic Republic and the Confederacy of Independent Systems, know what I mean? You'll want to keep eating and eating so much that you'll end up looking like Jaba the Hutt after the meal. You'll have to cut your belly open and let the blubber out as if you were a tauntaun from Hoth *smiley face*  My wife refers to me as "Boba Fat" when I go on a Stuffed Chyntuk binge.

The rich flavor comes from warm Bantha Butter, Chak-root and Bassel sea salt. The texture resembles Charbote roots but aren't as soggy. When reducing the liquid, I like to add in a little Abrax Cognac or Corellian Reserve. Do you have any idea what the hell I'm talking about? Me either.

There's so much complexity to making the dish that you really need to find a drink that marries the flavors all together. Rimble Wine is one of the rarest wines in the galaxy, and will cost you a thousand credits or more. Because vintages are rare, you have to be careful to find only bottles produced during the last decades of the Old Republic. Think of it as having the texture and complexity of Tallian wine but the aromatics of Tarul wine from Naboo. On the nose you'll find notes of Trigberry, Viamarr Blackroot and Wastril Bread followed by and meandering thread of pepper fettle. On the palate I find it unfolds to reveal unctuous layers of namana nectar from Bakura, which is reminiscent of Earth's black licorice but with more Marbleberries.

 

Bamasian Bread Ring -

For the final dish of the meal blow your guests' minds with this dessert of unknown origin. It's a small, ring-shaped pastry that contains a protein-circuit onetime holocasting unit. When broken open, the holocaster unleashes a dose of Bamasian wisdom before shutting down and being eaten. It's kinda like a 3-D fortune cookie. I like to serve a little 20-year Tawny port from Earth for a little landing gear. Your guests will appreciate the thought or in this case thoughts.

 

So there you have it. I hope you found this to be a useful guide for entertaining droids and Sith alike. And remember, when cooking with wine or spirits it's okay for some of it to end up in the food *smiley face* *winky face* *winky-smiley-frowny face*

Oh, and one more thing. It's a trap!

 

*text via wookapedia